what she means: Ashley. Katchadourian. You were supposed to be watching the door. YOU.
WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING THE DOOR. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING
THE DOOR. ASHLEY KATCHADOURIAN. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THESE ARE, ASHLEY
KATCHADOURIAN? THESE ARE A LITTLE GIRL’S ARMS. A LITTLE GIRL WITH
DREAMS, WITH LEGS, WITH A HEAD. SHE’S A PENCIL. SHE’S A SWIZZLE STICK!
YOU CAN USE HER AS A POOL NOODLE! AND NOW I’M HOLDING UP HER ARMS! I’M
HOLDING THEM BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T WATCH THE DOOR. A GIRL LOST HER ARMS,
ASHLEY KATCHADOURIAN. A GIRL LOST HER FUCKING ARMS. DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT
HAS TRANSPIRED WHILE YOU WERE IN PEARL HARBOR? SEEING A FUCKING
JAPANESE MUSEUM? WE HAD OUR OWN PEARL HARBOR HERE TODAY. OH MY GOD. HOW
COULD YOU DO THIS TO US? YOU LITERALLY BOMBED US! LIKE THE JAPANESE YOU
ARE. AND ME. I’M BEN AFFLECK. I’M BEN AFFLECK, AND I’M HOLDING TWO
FUCKING GIRL’S ARMS. AND YOU’RE CUBA GOODING JUNIOR, DISAPPOINTING
EVERYBODY. LIVE WITH THAT!”
did I ever tell you guys how I lost the most overtly religious friend I’ve ever had because she insisted I was hellbound over a pair of jeans
apparently not by your reactions SO let’s talk about emily
emily was catholic and found it really, really important that you knew that
she was discrete for the most part (sign of the cross before meals and blushing when the lord’s name was said in vain sorts of things) but she had a habit of berating people for politely declining her invitations to her church services and was sort of a pain in the ass about it at times but that’s beside the point
we were friends for about two and a half years
and then she borrowed a pair of my jeans.
now these jeans
were not just any pair of jeans
they were lucky brand jeans and the nicest jeans I owned at the time, but I was always cool with letting people borrow things when they really needed them
so this fateful day rolls around and emily is freaking out because she tore her skirt (as in straight up the back, mortifyingly torn) while we were out for coffee waiting for her other friend to pick her up because she was going on a weekend trip with this other friend’s (even more religious) family and her only other option was a pair of starchy pants that would absolutely suck to sit comfortably in for a five hour drive
so I do what any good friend would do and give her the extra pair of jeans I have in my car
which are my luckys
now I didn’t think anything of it and just assumed I’d done a great service here right
but flash forward three days
and she comes back
and doesn’t say
anything
just hands me the jeans
pivots
and walks away
so naturally I’m like??????????
so she proceeds to send me a text the next day saying that I made her look horrible to her friend’s mom because she nicely offered to wash the jeans before returning them and that’s right around the time I remember that Lucky brand jeans have a lovely little note on the fly
they look like this
and then you unzip them and
so that’s the story of how my catholic friend stopped talking to me because I accidentally tainted her social life with my subtle sexual vicious trollop jeans
That is both terrible, and absolutely fucking hilarious
Gen z culture is growing up with 90’s technology like vhs and dial up internet and then having a bunch of whiny adults sanctimoniously try to tell you that you can’t remember what it was like to use those things.
